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Fred Frankel, a psychologist, is a leading expert on
children's social skills and is Director of the world renowned UCLA Parent
Training & Children's Social Skills Programs. Dr. Frankel is Associate
Professor of Medical Psychology at UCLA where he teaches and trains pediatricians,
psychologists, social workers and child psychiatrists. He is author of Good
Friends Are Hard to Find: Help your child find, make and keep friends. Dr.
Frankel and his family live in Los Angeles where he leads a cub scout pack
and practices his techniques at home.
Q: My son has trouble finding friends
because he's not good at sports. How can I help him make friends?
A: Participation in sports is not
the main way boys make friends. Common interests are the springboard to
friendships, and sports or other interests and activities may provide the
connection. If he wants to be better at sports, there are some things you
can do to help.
A common pattern I've seen in younger children is that
they don't play sports as well as they want right away and they get discouraged.
Very few kids have natural talent - most children need to learn how to play
with the help of a good coach or an involved and encouraging dad. For kindergarten
through 3rd graders, I recommend having them join organized sports. It's
important that you find a good coach, though - one who is supportive of
all the children, and doesn't just focus on the most talented kids. Practicing
with your son is also a good way to improve his skills, but you want to
make sure you are positive and encouraging and it is fun for your child.
Another pattern I've seen among boys is that they try to
play with others regardless of ability. Instead, they should look around
for other kids who have about the same abilities as they do. It's more fun
for everyone if kids who play together are evenly matched.
If your son is not interested in sports, there are other
alternatives to finding friends. Scouting is great, since it is focused
on trying new things that are not usually athletic. Or if your son is interested
in art or music, you could try a class. It is important that whatever class
you pick has other boys of the same age, and that the class is close enough
to you that you will be able to encourage friendships outside the class.
Scouting, sports, and various classes offer good ways to
meet children who could become friends, but arranging one-on-one play dates
is the best way for your child to actually develop friendships. This should
take place with the help of parents either before or after organized activities.
Do you have
a question for Dr. Frankel? Write Dr. Frankel in the subject line.
 Cynthia Whitham, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing
in parent training. She is staff therapist at the prominent UCLA Parent
Training Program and a sought-after speaker at schools, hospitals and conferences
where she gives workshops for parents, teachers and therapists. She is also
author of "The Answer is NO": Saying it and sticking to it, a
companion book to Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes. Ms. Whitham
has a private practice in Los Angeles, and as the mother of two children,
she practices her techniques at home.
Q:My eight year old Amanda, who is
not allowed to go for fast food after school, went with her friend Katie
and then told me she hadn't. I found out from Katie's mother they went to
for icecream a block from the school. I can't believe she lied to me. How
should I handle this with her?
A: Like most parents, you sound more
upset over the lie than the breaking of the rule. Parents are appalled when
their children lie. Yet all children, even the most cooperative, will chance
a lie at times. Why? Younger children may have trouble separating what they
know is true from what they want to believe is true. Older children, like
your daughter, lie to avoid getting punished for doing something they were
tempted to do, but know is not allowed. When parents come to me with this
dilemma, I ask them to think of a time when they were challenged to tell
the truth. Picture being stopped by a police officer and asked, "Do
you know how fast you were driving?" How many of us 'fess up with the
exact speed? Like us, children struggle with taking responsibility and may
not want to face the consequences of their acts. So they lie, but often
so clumsily that they are found out.What to do?
First of all don't ask, "Did you get an icecream after
school?" Instead say, "You went for icecream with Amanda. That's
against the rules. You will have a consequence for breaking the rules. "If
she says, "No, I didn't," don't get into an argument over the
fact. Say simply, "You went for icecream. And you are lying about it.
Now there will be two punishments: one for not asking permission to go with
Amanda and one for lying about it" If she persists or badgers you,
simply say, "The subject is closed," and calmly busy yourself
in the house, ignoring her protests. Amanda should receive her consequences
(loss of TV time, early to bed by a half hour, or no dessert that night
since she already had icecream) as soon as possible.
For prevention of further lying, in a day or two when you
both have calmed down about the incident, have a brief--10 minute--talk
with Amanda. Tell her that everyone, including you, make mistakes or break
rules once in a while, but that telling the truth and taking responsibility
is the way you can make it better. You may go so far as to say, "If
you break a rule and then lie about it, you will always get two punishments.
But if you are brave and tell the truth, there will only be one." You
may also say that the rule about leaving the school campus is for her own
safety. If she wants to go because "everyone else is" she may
ask you for permission and you will try to find a safe way she can do it
too. Don't allow this privilege for at least a week, however. Also, make
a concerted effort to praise Amanda any time she does tell the truth or
take responsibility for her acts. Make a big deal out of it. She will begin
to be proud of being brave and honest. Finally, you and Amanda's dad should
work very hard to do be scrupulously honest yourselves. Far too many children
hear their parents say, when the phone rings, "Tell her I'm not home."
Children do what we do, remember, much more frequently than what we say
to do. If you are not honest, if you do not take responsibility for your
actions, your child will not either.
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