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Do you have trouble saying "NO" to your kids?   If you are like lots of parents, you want to say "NO," but just don't know how. "The Answer is "NO": Saying it and sticking to it by Cynthia Whitham, MSW, tackles 26 situations that parents have trouble with. The chapter on Too Much TV is excerpted here. For more information on the book, click here. Too Much TV THE PROBLEM: Your child refuses to turn off the TV. She insists on watching at meals or before school. You are so sick of the thing you want to give it away. You want TV use not TV abuse. THINKING IT OVER: Many of us have a love-hate relationship with television. Reluctantly we introduce Sesame Street to our toddler in order to get a shower or a private moment in the bathroom. Soon we are playing a video in the den to have a child-free dinner party in the dining room. We know it is possible for TV to be a great educator or entertainer, but the exposure to violence, adult themes, offensive language, and downright stupidity concerns us. And teachers have found that children with reading problems watch many hours of TV weekly. If we watch TV with our children, it may help them develop an understanding of what they see and a healthy distrust of commercialism, but who has time to monitor their watching? And what about the time wasted! Remember reading, drawing, playing marbles, singing, storytelling, or cross-stitching? What about imaginary play, or just soaking up sunshine and fresh air? The more time spent in front of the TV the less time and interest children have for other productive pastimes. "But," you wonder, "How do I get the TV monster back in the cage? I know we'd be doing them a favor by limiting TV, but who wants to be The Enforcer?" Repeat after me, "I have a right to limit TV. In fact, it's my responsibility." And read-on. WARNING: If you or your partner is addicted to TV, you will have to change your habits first, before you can be effective with the kids. HOW TO WEAN KIDS FROM TV: Show a particular interest in any non-TV activity your child does. She'll learn to value what you value. Say things like: That looks like a great book, tell me about it. What a tall tower you're making with those blocks! Bugs? Sure you can collect bugs. Let me show you the good places to dig. I love the colors in your drawing. When it's done, can we hang it on the refrigerator? Pinpoint what you don't like about TV, so that your rules are not arbitrary. Is it what they watch or the amount of time they spend watching? If it is the quality of the TV programming, try the following: If you don't like commercials, allow PBS but limited commercial TV. Tape commercial programs and fast-forward through the commercials. Insist on your child learning to mute commercials when watching TV in "real time." If you don't like violence, do not allow violent cartoons or police programs. If you are concerned about sexism, adult themes, etc., do not allow music TV, TV after 8:30 pm, or any offensive program you identify. Teach your child the difference between news and sensationalism. Sit down with your kids and discuss the program while it's on. Don't spoil it for them, but do make observations to help them watch more critically. If it's the amount of TV you are concerned about, select one of the following TV plans or come up with your own: No TV during the week. Allow one hour of TV news daily for the news-watchers in your family. Limited TV during the week. In the morning when kids are completely ready for school, they can watch until five minutes before it is time to leave. When homework is done, they can watch until dinner time. Other variations: allow special sports events, one classic movie, or one half-hour favorite program during the school week. Evening only TV. One half-hour each night. On heavy homework nights, videotape a favorite show for the next night or weekend. So that TV does not compete with bedtime, have kids wash, put on pj's and brush their teeth first. So, for an 8:30 bedtime, children should be in pj's and have teeth brushed by 7:30. They can then watch a half-hour show. At 8:00 it's time for a drink of water, story and goodnights, with lights out by 8:30. TV-time trade. Your kids can earn TV-time by reading or doing creative projects or schoolwork. Try thirty minutes of TV per book read, or fifteen minutes for completing homework. Earnings can be cashed in on the weekend or daily when chores and schoolwork are done. Don't keep the TV on as background noise; your children may become addicted to it and have a hard time turning it off their whole lives. Don't be a TV junkie yourself. Your child will say, "It's not fair. You watch TV every night." TV can get in the way of a couple's personal life, reduce the benefit of family meals, and make the art of conversation extinct. Put a book by the bed. In fact, place it on top of the remote! Introduce non-TV family activities. Your message should be "TV isn't important." Set up a card table for a jigsaw puzzle. Play games as a family. Read together. Get books and magazines from the library and leave them where your family hangs out. Who can resist a crossword or word search book (connect the dots or tic-tac-toe for younger folk) and a newly sharpened pencil? Discover the radio. Wonderful news magazines are broadcast on National Public Radio and American Public Radio. Children's story hours, family music, variety shows, and talk radio can provide the whole family the opportunity to rediscover use of their ears and using "the mind's eye." Have a Family Meeting to change TV viewing habits: State the problem: "TV is interfering in our lives. We're fighting about the TV every day." State how you feel about the problem: "I'm so frustrated I want to give away the TV set." Brainstorm solutions. "I'm open for suggestions as to how we can watch TV less and use our time better." Select a plan to try for a week that everyone can agree on (if the kids are uncooperative and have no plan, give a couple of plans which you consider reasonable). Have a follow-up meeting to see how the plan is going. Decide to keep the plan or adjust it to make it work better. One family I know, formerly contenders for TV/Video Game Usage Champions of the World, had a Family Meeting and decided to move the TV to their father's office. In the evenings at home, family members now read (even the kids are reading the newspaper), play board games, use the computer, or just talk together. Homework is less of a struggle because there's no TV to compete with. If there is a special TV show everyone wants to watch or a video the family would like to rent, they have a TV pizza night at Dad's office. Getting rid of the TV created true quality time and the whole family seems more connected. Try this experiment-put away the TV for one week. Then have a Family Meeting and note the differences in your lives. What was better? What was worse? Did you really miss anything? Do you want to adjust your TV viewing permanently? Don't give a child a TV for her room. If, unfortunately, she already has one and TV watching is a problem, remove it. Use an Announcement to prepare your child to turn off the TV. No one likes to be interrupted, but an Announcement can help: Parent: Cassie. Child: (eyes glued to set, barely hearing) Yah, Mom? Parent: Cassie, please look at me. (she looks at her mom) Parent: Thank you. In five minutes, it will be time to turn off the TV, and come set the table for dinner. Child: Okay. Parent: Thank you. (five minutes later) It's time to turn off the TV. Child: Mo-om. That was five minutes? Parent: (calmly uses Broken Record). It's time to turn off the TV. Child: Aw, Mom. A great show is coming on too. (Reaches for remote) Parent: Thanks, honey. SAYING NO and STICKING TO IT: If she refuses to turn off the TV when you ask her to, present this Choice. Choice followed by The PC-Perfect Child-Response: Parent: You turn it off or I will, which do you choose? Child: Darn. Why do I always have to turn it off? (goes to turn TV off) Parent: Thank you. More like reality: Parent: You turn it off or I will, which do you choose? Child: (silent) Parent: You turn it off or I will, which do you choose? Child: (refuses to choose) Parent: Looks like you want me to choose. Child: All right, all right. But I don't see why I have to. You watch TV whenever you want. (walks toward TV) Parent: Thank you. A child will prefer to turn the TV off herself, even under protest, rather than have you do it. And as it is never good to get into a physical conflict with your child, her turning it off eliminates the possibility of the two of you struggling over the remote. This parent does not get detoured by her daughter's challenge, "You watch TV whenever you want." Whether it is true or not true is not the issue. You can discuss fairness later, after the TV is off. If she does turn off the TV, praise her with a simple, but non-gloating, "Thank you." If she refuses to do it herself, you turn it off. No doubt she'll give you a tantrum of some sort. If your child approaches you with a deal-"I'll get dressed if I can do it in front of the TV"-and you really want to compromise (you softy you)-I can't stop you. I would recommend, however, making a pretty tight contract. Child: I'll get dressed if you let me keep watching. Parent: You'll get all dressed? Even your shoes? Child: Yes. I promise. Parent: All right, let's try that. But if you aren't dressed in 7 minutes, shoes too, the TV goes off. Agreed? Child: Right. Parent: You've got a deal. If she get dressed, praise her. If she doesn't, turn off the TV. These kinds of deals can lead you right back to the morning struggle if you are too flexible. If, when you turn off the TV, she throws herself on the floor kicking and screaming, (if she is not damaging herself or others) ignore her until she calms down. Turn away, remain in control, focus on something else. Walk, don't run, to make a phone call, wash some dishes, glance at the newspaper. The unspoken message to your child must be, "Your screaming isn't going to change my mind." If she kicks the wall, bangs the door, or slams about the furniture, give a Warning of a Consequence: "If you damage anything, you pay for it and no TV for twenty-four hours." She will no doubt try another slam or two, just short of doing damage. Ignore those face saving or testing efforts. If she escalates and does damage, immediately enforce the Consequence. (If you and your child frequently have bouts of this kind, seek out a behavioral specialist to give you one-on-one guidance.) When, after the tantrum is over and the Consequence given, she "makes a small step in the right direction," tries to express her feelings in words, or uses a calm voice to negotiate a deal ("I promise to get dressed if I can watch TV"), you may respond to her in a positive manner. I'd not recommend you allow the TV on, though, because you don't want to reward a tantrum. Child: (in a calmer voice) I promise I'll get dressed if you let me keep watching TV. Parent: I appreciate your promise, but you have lost TV for today. When you are dressed, why don't you read or draw until it's time for school. Remember that a Consequence must be meaningful to the child and you must be able to follow through with it! Examples: Turn off the TV now or no TV for the rest of today. Turn off the TV now or you'll go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Turn off the TV now or you will have a 10 minute Time-Out. If, when you turn off the TV, she turns it back on, remove it from the house. Put it in the trunk of your car or garage. Before you bring it back, work out a deal for earning future TV usage. If you will follow my TV rules today- watch only one hour turn it off right after your show, and agree with your sister about the choice of program- then you will earn TV for tomorrow. Praise your child when she follows TV rules and turns the TV off when you tell her to. "I like the way you're cooperating now, thanks."   ­ excerpted from "The Answer is NO", Saying it and sticking to it by Cynthia Whitham, MSW For more information on the book, click here.