Too busy to cook?
*Very quick lasagna

Family Read-aloud

Books
Quick catalogue
Order Books Now
Testimonials

Other resources

Do you wish your child had more friends?   If you feel bad when your child has no one to play with, outraged when other kids tease and pick on her, or helpless when school calls and tells you he has been fighting, Good Friends Are Hard to Find can help. The chapter on Teasing is excerpted here. For more information on the book, click here. Taking the fun out of teasing THE PROBLEM: My child is being teased. How can I get this to stop? SOLVING THE PROBLEM: Teach your child to Make Fun of the Teasing My experience shows that the most effective technique you can teach your child is to Make Fun of the Teasing. Your child makes fun of the teaser's inability to tease well. This is different from teasing back: Your child does not sink to the level of the teaser, but shows through humor that the teasing does not push his buttons (even if it does). Children who learn this tell me they have success the first time they use it. They get sympathy from onlookers and take away the fun of teasing. Mothers are better than fathers at getting their child to practice responses to teasing. If the teasing is about mom (for instance, "Your mom's fat.") and mom doesn't seem to care about the content ("So what?"), then it takes a lot of the hurt out of the teasing. Your child no longer feels he has to defend the family honor, so he has less reason to be upset when he's teased. Step 1: Get as much information as you can about the teasing. Use the listening skills you learned in Chapter 14 to talk about the teasing in a calm, matter-of-fact way. This will help neutralize your child's hurt feelings. Find out who is doing the teasing and as much information about what they are saying as your child will comfortably say. Don't get angry or laugh at the teasing. Don't give advice at this point. Only gather information. Making suggestions too early will end the conversation before you get what you need. The best way to neutralize the hurt of teasing is to remain neutral yourself. Be patient and let your child tell about it as slowly as he wants. Example: Mom: How did things go in school today? Timothy: [Visibly upset] Okay. Mom: Did something happen today that you would like to tell me about? Timothy: No. Mom: Okay. Timothy: [After 10 minutes of silence] The other kids were teasing me again today. Mom: [In a serious tone] Oh, I see. It happened today? Timothy: Yes. Mom: Who teased you today? Timothy: A whole bunch of kids. Mom: What did they say? Timothy: Sam called our family the "fat butts," and the other kids laughed. Mom: [Serious, but neutral tone of voice] Was Sam the only one calling us the fat butts, or was someone else doing it also? Mom should watch Timothy's reaction when she says "fat butts." If Timothy doesn't react, Mom continues. If Timothy becomes upset, Mom should refer to it as "the teasing" after this point. Timothy: Just Sam, but the rest of the kids laughed. Mom: Does anyone else tease you, besides Sam? Timothy: No, just Sam, and the other kids laugh. Timothy had said all the kids tease him, but he now realizes it was only Sam. Mom: Is this the only thing Sam says to you when he teases you? Timothy: No. He says I come from the fat family. Mom: You know, I don't care if Sam calls me fat, so you don't have to worry about me. Mom makes this last statement (regardless of how accurate it is) after she gathers the facts. It helps Timothy stay calm the next time he is teased. This will not be enough to take care of teasing. Sam thinks he can push Timothy's buttons. He won't give up unless Timothy Makes Fun of the Teasing. Step 2: Rehearse Making Fun of the Teasing with your child. You need to teach your child what to say in these situations to take the fun out of teasing, but not tease back. Your child will answer every tease with a reply. Read aloud the following list of replies to see if your child likes any of them. "So what?" "What?" "Can't you think of anything else to say?" "I heard that one in kindergarten." "That's so old it's got dust on it." "That's so old it's from the stone age." "I fell off my dinosaur when I first heard that." "Tell me when you get to the funny part." "And your point is..." This is not a complete list. You and your child can probably think of more. 1. Have your child pick ways to make fun of the teasing from the list above or similar statements. 2. Practice several replies to teases several times. 3. Laugh with your child after each reply he tries. Making Fun of the Teasing shows the teaser that your child: is not going to cry or get angry. thinks teasing back is beneath him. has an answer for any teasing. With a younger child (below third grade), you have to tell him exactly what to say (and keep it simple). With an older child, try getting him to use replies from the list of examples or have him come up with his own. Here's how it's done: Mom: [Reads the above list to Timothy] Want to try any of these? What might you say the next time Sam calls us the fat butts? Remember, don't sink to his level and tease him back. You have to show him teasing is not going to get you angry any more. Timothy: [Reads from list without any intonation] I've heard that one before. Mom: [Laughing] Yeah, that's a good one [Repeats in a confident, mildly disparaging tone of voice], I've heard that one before. So what do you say when Sam calls you fatty again? Timothy: [This time with a little more confidence] I heard that one before. Mom: [Laughs] Yeah, that's a good one. Let's try some more. What other one do you like? Timothy: That's so old I fell off my dinosaur when I heard it. Mom: [Laughs] That's great. So what do you say after Sam says you're one of the fat butts?... I find that one session is all the practice most children need. Step 3: Ask if your child used the technique and whether it worked. I always like to find out how my advice turned out. The next day, Mom has this conversation with Timothy: Mom: Did you get a chance to try making fun of Sam's teasing? Timothy: Yeah, he teased me and I said "So what!" He didn't say anything. He just walked away. Mom: That's great! The first time Timothy makes fun of his teasing, Sam will not know what to say next. He will either stop teasing, or when he tries again, he will stop after Timothy comes up with one or two different replies. That's why it is better to rehearse several different replies, so that your child will not run out of replies before the teaser runs out of teases.   --excerpted from Good Freinds Are Hard to Find: Help your child find, make and keep friends by Fred Frankel, PhD.