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Do your kids ever drive you crazy?   All parents have to deal with annoying behavior. You do not, however, have to put up with it. Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes by Cynthia Whitham, MSW, will help you eliminate it. The chapter on Commands is excerpted here. For more information on the book, click here. Commands The first and simplest limit setting tool is the command statement. It is so effective that a command followed by praise for the smallest step in the right direction may be all that you need to get your child to start or stop a behavior. "Share your trucks with your brother." (start sharing) "Stop throwing rocks at the squirrel right now." (stop throwing rocks) How to Give Effective Commands Eyes - Establish eye contact. Have your child come to you or you go to your child. If necessary, call her name until she looks at you, say "thank you," and then give the command. (The "thank-you" will take her a bit by surprise and she may comply in spite of herself). Words - Name the behavior you want your child to stop or start. It helps your child know exactly what you want. Wrong: Stop that! Correct: Put those scissors on the table. It is usually better to name the behavior you want, rather than the unwanted behavior. O.K.: Stop patting the baby so roughly! Even better: Touch the baby gently, please.   The danger in naming the behavior you want stopped is that it also may remind the child of the rough behavior, perhaps challenging her to repeat it, and certainly reinforcing it with attention. Naming the desired behavior tells her exactly what to do. It gives the child a chance to comply immediately and gives you an opportunity to praise her. Be sure to phrase your commands as a statement and not a question. Don't ask a question unless you will accept a "no" for an answer. Don't ask: When you mean: Don't you think it's time for bed? It's time for bed. Would you like to take your bath? Take your bath now, please. Are you hungry for supper? Come in for supper.? Voice - Your tone should be neutral, firm, but not angry.   No matter how angry you feel, try to remain calm. I am not saying you should hide your anger from your child, just that your commands will be more effective if you appear to be in control. Remember that the goal is to have the child do what you are asking. Children will be more apt to hear the command and follow it if you are firm and in control. Try this experiment. By yourself, yell a command ("Go to bed!") angrily and at the top of your lungs, arms flailing if you tend toward the dramatic. Next, speak the same command in a firm calm, indoor voice, without the anger. Feel the difference. Which one would be more effective with your child? Not in scaring her of course, but in communicating how serious you are that she go to bed. I think you'll find there is great power in using a firm, but neutral tone. Certainly, in a situation of danger-your toddler comes in with the scissors-you will raise your voice, even shout. Don't lose any sleep over it. The occasional loud warning will be all the more effective if you have been practicing a neutral voice for your day-to-day, non-emergency commands. Be realistic. Sometimes your child needs a reminder or even two before she will comply with the command. The reminder is given in a neutral voice, with eye contact, and without anger. However, after two reminders you are nagging. And you have a right not to be a nag. Go directly to the next level of limit setting. Take Yourself Seriously For a command to be effective you must say it as if you mean it. A child who feels you are committed is more likely to cooperate with you. To appear serious you must be unambiguous. Sometimes that's difficult. Perhaps your children are playing outside and it is near dusk. You are thinking, "They're having such a good time, I might as well let them play longer." On the other hand, you know how rushed bedtime can be, how irritable everyone gets when they're tired. If you call your children inside when you are torn about it, your command, "It's time to come in now" will lack commitment. The children will sense your reluctance and may ignore you. It's best to make up your mind, commit yourself to wanting a behavior started or stopped, then give the command. Practice: Giving Effective Commands Refer to your list of intolerable behaviors. This may be a fairly short list at the moment, if you have used the praise/ignore combination. A list of intolerables might look something like this: throwing objects when angry jumping on furniture pulling the cat's tail refusing to go to bed hitting brother leaving the house or yard spitting   Pick one behavior to work on, for example, leaving the yard. Identify the behavior you want in its place­staying in the yard. Select a command. Name the behavior you want, rather than what you want stopped, if possible. Don't use a question. Examples: "You must ask me before you can leave our yard." "Stay in our yard." "The rule is: no leaving our yard." The next time the target behavior occurs: Go to your child. Make eye contact. Use a firm, neutral tone. Give the command.   Each time you want a behavior started or stopped repeat this process. Soon it will become second nature for you to calmly give firm, direct commands. I find that parents immediately increase the amount of cooperation they get once they can give commands effectively. This may be because they have used an indirect style in the past. They ask questions, rather than give statements. They are ambiguous about setting limits, not liking to say "no." They don't like to be the bad guy and postpone setting a limit until things have gone too far. By learning to give an effective command they feel stronger and are more powerful. As a single mother of a large family put it: "I feel like I'm the mother now." You may need to give a reminder or two, but you don't have to be a nag. After two reminders, give a warning of a consequence! -excerpted from Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes by Cynthia Whitham, MSW For more information on the book, click here.